Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My Life Seems Like a Bunch of Music Lyrics

Hi there,

Ever have those days when you hear a song or a lyric and think,  "Yes!  Exactly it!" or it makes you tear up thinking how much you can relate to it?  

Yup.  Today is one of those days.  (Well, it was one of those days a few weeks ago when I first started writing this blog! So here is the finished product...) 

Call it moody, call it emotional, call it PMS... but today nearly every single song has made me have a visceral reaction to it.  

And of course - I had to go online to look up how to spell visceral and up pops an article on word usage - Visceral vs Emotional. So maybe it is emotional not visceral, but now that I know how to spell visceral, and it sounds so much better than plain old emotion - I've been called emotional my entire life - I'm sticking with visceral.   See - I've used visceral seven times now - Now that is good word usage!

It all started with the ride home from my doctor's office (where I went to give Crazy girl a bit of attention) and it turned out that most of the girls living in my head needed a bit of attention today.  For anyone who is or has gone to therapy,  you know that it can be pretty deep sometimes.  Working on one's self is hard work...growth is painful and while the end result (we hope) is worth it all - it still sucks. Yes. Growth. Sucks.  It is necessary, it does wield good outcomes....but the process sucks.  Plain and simple. 

Lazy girl would like me to interject here that she is perfectly fine not doing any of the work - she's happy as she is...  Lazy girl needs to shut it. She is 1/2 (or maybe 3/4) of the reason we need to work on ourselves.  Rational Girl wants to take some of the blame too.. Hell, I'll let them all take the blame - but ultimately - I have to suck it up and do the work.    

Well anyway, riding with the radio on and Pink's song "Fuckin' Perfect" is on and brings me to tears. I love this song.  There is so much in this song that should be a damn mantra for every single person... "Pretty, pretty please don't you ever, ever feel like your less than fucking perfect". (Oh, and by the way, I think its time we should be able to sing fuck on the radio with out them blanking it out - most kids know this word before the age of 5 anyway - but I digress...) 

Sometimes we all need to hear that...we should never fell less than anything...We are enough. We are flawed.  We are messed up but we are enough.  I am enough in all my flawed ways.  Most definitions of perfect say "having no defects or flaws".  I'm sorry - only a person with a God Complex THINKS they don't have flaws...  but everyone and nearly everything in this world is flawed... (nearly:  because we can make an exception for babies...and puppies... kittens...and baby elephants!! Oh, baby pygmy goats... OK-OK-OK... baby anything (except snakes and spiders) can be perfect in the Emilyverse).  But that then begs the question to be asked...Who said anything has to be perfect, or has to be perfect all the time?

And just what the fuck is perfect anyway?  

I googled (of course I did!) the word and the first definition that came up was:  

having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be

I can actually accept that definition - because the "required or desirable elements, qualities or characteristics" are different for every single person.  Every.Single.Person.  AND - no person has the right to push their own requirements on another.  No.One. 

I love the second part better: "Perfection is as good as it is possible to be."  Who measures that in me?   NO-FUCKING-ONE.  I measure that in myself.  I try to be the best possible version of me as I can and that is pretty darn close to my definition of perfect.  Perfectly Imperfect!  Welcome to Emily. 

But perfection seems to be the reason why is it that we are hard on ourselves the most.  We strive for something that maybe we can't yet define for ourselves, when we should just love ourselves the most?  Oh and I am so hard on myself - I've struggled a lot over the last 12 years to try as hard as I could/can to put myself first and love myself first.  I don't succeed as much as I want to.  Some of the "unmentionables" come out...and can be very discouraging to me. 

"You're so mean when you talk about yourself, you are wrong.  Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."   

I feel very lucky that I've been able to change those voices slowly, with all this fucking hard work and over the course of years - but they still rear their ugly head now and again and it can be a flight for the rest of us to beat them back down again. 

Negative Girl.
Worthless Girl.
Doubt Girl.
Angrier Girl (different from the healthy Angry girl - meaning angrier than I have a right to be).
Bitter Girl.
Judgmental Girl.
Nasty Bitch Girl.

and the worst...


She is the worst for me. I can take on the others every God Damn day and win - but She is the one who wakes up all the others at the same fucking time when she wants them to come out and play.  She is the one who wants to take away all of  my self worth and throw it out the window.  She is the one who wants to murder Happy Girl.  She is the one who makes Self-Sabotage Girl jump up and shout.  She is the one who wants me to believe I don't deserve Love Girl, or to be loved. 

She is the one I'm gunning for with all of this hard work.  And if all that happens is that I get rid of her - now that's what I call GROWTH!!! 

So far - she lingers - But I am reaping some other benefits of helping and working on myself. So I'm taking that win right here and right now.  I accept those benefits and would like Thank the academy, my family and friends, my therapist... 

And still - I'll continue to be working on Killing #WFTOSTDG. One murder I won't regret.

I have so many songs and quotes that I could pester you all with - but Resolution Girl is saying this one song is enough. She is satisfied that the mess of a start on this post has come to an end.  She says I can incorporate other songs and quotes in other blogs and not make this one 400 pages long - so I am going to listen to her today.

Things to ponder for future blogs though - I was told two or three times in the last few days how strong I am and what courage I have. It's laughable to me because if I am so strong, why do I feel so weak? What is Strength? Why do others think I have it?  A few questions that will be answered at some point in the future.

So for now,  I'll end with...

"Pretty, pretty please...

If you ever, ever feel, 

Like you're nothing, 

you're fucking perfect to me."

Until Next Time...
EAT (perfectly imperfect and loving every minute of it)

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